An attempt to be back...

Ok, here goes again.  I'm struggling.  I'm still working really hard to find balance and be who I know I really am.  I don't know if it's two little kids, work, or what, but I've seen very little change with me.  My kids are growing and thriving.  My husband has a great new job that truly makes him happy.  Me?  I'm still just kind of muddling through.  Some days are incredible...other days, not so much.

SO, I'm working on being the new and improved me again!  This photo was taken this summer:



And this photo was taken a couple of weeks ago:

Yoga is truly a passion of mine.  I love it.  I love that in a workout, I concentrate so hard on breathing and poses that I forget about everything else.  I love that yoga MAKES you do that.  I've been doing hot yoga off and on - and bought a January pass at a decent deal.  Last week I went 3 times and I have 3 times scheduled this week.  Scheduling it is definitely key!

I'm also counting calories and doing Weight Watchers Points+ - I'm trying to see which one I think is easier.  I lost 2 pounds in week one - but have a tremendously long way to go.  Almost 100lbs to go.  That's a lot.

But doable.

I haven't run since October - I weigh so much and my body aches.  I'm signed up to do the mini-marathon again and I want to do it more than anything. But I truly worry about my hip and my legs.  Sounds like an excuse - what I really need to do is just freaking do it.

I've begun creating a workout plan beyond the yoga, and I'm going to follow it and do it.

And I'm going to stick with it.

Because I know I can, and because I know who I really am...

and because this:

Is something worth being completely happy for!

My Inspiration

This is my Adelyn Lee.  She's my 2 year old and she is awesome.  Don't get me wrong, Abel, my 3 1/2 year old is also awesome, but I had a moment with Adelyn the other night that I want to share.

I took this picture after she slid down into this position.  I sit like this all the time.  In fact, I posted it on my facebook page and people that I work with commented on the fact that I sit like this in meetings.  I don't even realize I do it, it's just a natural position.  18 years and 80 pounds ago, I ended my 15 year run as a gymnast.  I was going to be Mary Lou Retton - but that didn't quite work out.  I was a decent gymnast in high school - and my team was state runner-ups two years in a row.  It was kind of a glory time for me.

People tell me that Adelyn looks and acts just like me.  And I agree in so many ways.  But she's two.  And she hasn't had a chance to let anything stop her from being just who she is.

This is who Adelyn is - and quite frankly, who I used to be.

She is spunky.  She laughs and smiles and lights up a room all. the. time.

She doesn't let anything get in her way.  When she wants to do something, she makes it happen.  And she makes it happen on her own.  She doesn't insist on help.

That being said, she thinks before she acts.  If it's too high, she doesn't jump.  If she still really wants to jump, she does ask for help.  She knows her limits.

She eats when she's hungry, but she loves food and she loves to try new things. She is awesomely curious. She sits with me while I cook and helps anytime she can.

Adelyn is my inspiration.  Sure I want to be healthy to be a role model for my kids and I am inspired by that, but even more - Adelyn is exactly who I used to be and who I want to be again.  For whatever reason, I let what people said about me or what I assumed they were thinking about me turn me into this needy self-loathing individual.  I'm still pretty independent - at work - and can lead the best of them, but when it comes to me and how I feel about me personally, I'm not.

I've been working with a trainer once a week to help me come up with a plan of things to do at home.  I was talking to her about this last week and she said, "It sounds like you've conquered everything but yourself.  You've got the great family and great job, now you need to focus on yourself."  This is so true --- but a crazy social experiment as I figure out how to "do it all".  I'm a mom, wife, and school administrator.  My husband is a college professor who is still figuring out what that means to him. I'm about as busy as it gets.  But I need to focus on myself - not for my kids, but for me.

I don't want what happened to me happen to Adelyn. I really feel the only way to make that happen is to show her how to take care of herself and continue to be spunky, independent, reflective, and curious about everything without letting other people change that.

I'm 35 and sometimes feel like my journey has just begun!

Could be my tipping point...

Ok - so go to New York City where they are having record breaking temperatures over 100 degrees multiple days in a row and walk around.  Everywhere.  75 pounds overweight.  And then see if you put a plan into ACTION when you get back.

Plan still coming together.  In the meantime,  check out the two most recent posts from eatingjourney.

I think I may make her my new best friend.

Now I'm off to crunch data.  Awesome.

What to do, what to do?

Ok, so I've been in a little bit of meltdown mode for awhile.  I have spouts of greatness, but let's face it, it's been since about the Mini, if not before, that I've been in this mode.  Work was rough at the end of the school year, I'm still working a ton, my mother in law passed away, my husband has been in a serious funk (understandably), and well, I'm in meltdown mode.

It finally hit me last week that for awhile now, I've been thinking to myself, I know I'm overweight, but I actually feel ok --- last week, I decided I really don't feel ok.  I don't eat horribly - in fact, I eat pretty healthily - but I eat too much.  Period.

When I sign up for Weight Watchers, I stop tracking and give up. Then I decide it's ridiculous to pay and unsubscribe.

Then I decide to count calories - when the afternoon hits and I get home, I stop counting - it's not that I overeat, I just don't take the time to sit down and write everything down.

Then I think I'll eat when I'm hungry.  I'll stop when I'm not.  I do ok at this - but still think I eat too much when I'm hungry.

Oy.

Why, at 35, am I still DEALING WITH THIS???

This is my year to make this happen and get totally comfortable with myself.  Seriously.  This is it.  Next summer I won't be lamenting the fact that I am overweight and it is hot.  Seriously.  I just have to make it happen.  I about 80 pounds need to make it happen.....I'm just really trying to do it the best possible way.

I know WW works.  Period.  Just have to do it.

I know calorie counting works.  Period.  Just have to do it.

I'd love to read more about Intuitive Eating - I discovered Christie the other day through Carla's website  the other day and absolutely loved her guest post.  I thought about emailing her tonight, but chickened out.  I don't really know what to say....

I've thought about creating my own weekly menu with calories already done and sticking to that - but really, how does that truly teach me how to eat in any given situation - but maybe, just maybe that would be a good starting point.

Oy.

Next week, I'm in NYC for the week for work.  I lived there for four years and am so excited to be there.  I met with a trainer on Tuesday and go again tomorrow (I totally an completely cannot afford this and have no idea where the money will come from but am going to make it work so I have someone supporting me for awhile...) - and she's going to give me homework for the week.  When I get back, I'll be home for two weeks and maybe do the menu thing then.  *Sigh*

It's just so much.

And I know it's always going to be so much - that might be one of the reasons why I am so reluctant....

The self-sabotage has to end though.  I'm the only one that can fix this!

That's all for now.  I'll keep you all posted on what happens.

My Baby's Birthday

This weekend, my baby turned two.  Definitely not so much a baby anymore - this picture truly epitomizes her and her spunkiness.  She gets excited about EVERYTHING - something we should all try to do more - just be excited!

A birthday weekend mean dessert 3 nights in a row.  I made the cupcakes healthier and only took a couple of bites of the brownie sundae, but seriously, it all counts.  I managed to get in a 3 mile S-L-O-W run on Sunday and a 12 mile bike ride on Saturday....but I ate and ate and ate.

My hip is really bothering me on my runs.  I'm not sure about the 5 miler on Saturday.  I might just do the 5k.  While running on Saturday, my hip started hurting in the middle of mile 1.  Ugh.

This morning, I officially started counting calories again.  I need to do this for my babies.  I am at an unhealthy weight.  Period.  I'm going to try to blog more about my eats, but time is of the essence in my world.  I'm just going to be healthy.  That is all.

Sadness and Confessions

Sadness =

My mother in law passed away last week.

It's a really long story - but the bottom line is she didn't have a healthy heart, was in surgery to make it better, and she didn't make it.

She was 60.

My husband is very sad and working hard to move on.  But it's hard.

Confession =

I haven't run since the mini.  I'm scheduled to a race on June 5 and want to do a tri in August.  I have zero motivation and have to find it somewhere.  I'm just feeling quiet and tired.  At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is workout.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling bad about myself and sorry for myself and desperate to lose weight.  I've been feeling proud and happy.  Ugh.

The good news is, I haven't been eating out of control - as would be a typical reaction for me.  The thing is, I know now, more than ever, the need to be healthy and live life to the fullest.

So I'm working on it.  But man, right now is a really hard time.

It's Been Decided

My next race will be on June 5, 2010:

Outrun the Sun - 5 miles :)

Now, let me be clear on a few things.

I don't love running for disease causes.  I don't know why.  I don't have a specific reason....the only thing I can think of is I'm a teacher and education and teachers are in serious serious need of money - all the time.  I know this is the same as diseases like cancer but if I had to commit to a cause, it would be education.  Districts and schools all over the country are doing races to benefit them.  They are just harder to find sometimes.  I am doing an "event" at my school this year and am very excited.  It'll be smaller event for our first time around, but I'm hoping it'll raise some money and be the start of something spectacular.  I'll tell more about it as we get closer - but we are hoping to involved ALL of the kids and their families.  The real point is to get people moving.  The benefit point is to raise some money!

I was going to do a trail run in Nashville, IN on the 5th.  However, I'd have to drive down the night before - I just couldn't imagine doing an hour+ long drive the morning of a race, and we really don't have extra money for any travel right now.  So, I'll do the local race - at 7pm on a Sat. night, which actually will be kind of cool and different.  Plus, it's in Fort Harrison State Park , which will also be cool.  I plan on spending lots of time there this summer!

So that's all for now.  Hubby is going out of town for a few days and that always makes life very interesting for me.  And my life has been insanely busy the past couple of weeks. I've taken off a week from running, and still, oddly enough, I seem to be on an emotional upswing - which is always a very good thing!