An attempt to be back...

Ok, here goes again.  I'm struggling.  I'm still working really hard to find balance and be who I know I really am.  I don't know if it's two little kids, work, or what, but I've seen very little change with me.  My kids are growing and thriving.  My husband has a great new job that truly makes him happy.  Me?  I'm still just kind of muddling through.  Some days are incredible...other days, not so much.

SO, I'm working on being the new and improved me again!  This photo was taken this summer:



And this photo was taken a couple of weeks ago:

Yoga is truly a passion of mine.  I love it.  I love that in a workout, I concentrate so hard on breathing and poses that I forget about everything else.  I love that yoga MAKES you do that.  I've been doing hot yoga off and on - and bought a January pass at a decent deal.  Last week I went 3 times and I have 3 times scheduled this week.  Scheduling it is definitely key!

I'm also counting calories and doing Weight Watchers Points+ - I'm trying to see which one I think is easier.  I lost 2 pounds in week one - but have a tremendously long way to go.  Almost 100lbs to go.  That's a lot.

But doable.

I haven't run since October - I weigh so much and my body aches.  I'm signed up to do the mini-marathon again and I want to do it more than anything. But I truly worry about my hip and my legs.  Sounds like an excuse - what I really need to do is just freaking do it.

I've begun creating a workout plan beyond the yoga, and I'm going to follow it and do it.

And I'm going to stick with it.

Because I know I can, and because I know who I really am...

and because this:

Is something worth being completely happy for!

My Inspiration

This is my Adelyn Lee.  She's my 2 year old and she is awesome.  Don't get me wrong, Abel, my 3 1/2 year old is also awesome, but I had a moment with Adelyn the other night that I want to share.

I took this picture after she slid down into this position.  I sit like this all the time.  In fact, I posted it on my facebook page and people that I work with commented on the fact that I sit like this in meetings.  I don't even realize I do it, it's just a natural position.  18 years and 80 pounds ago, I ended my 15 year run as a gymnast.  I was going to be Mary Lou Retton - but that didn't quite work out.  I was a decent gymnast in high school - and my team was state runner-ups two years in a row.  It was kind of a glory time for me.

People tell me that Adelyn looks and acts just like me.  And I agree in so many ways.  But she's two.  And she hasn't had a chance to let anything stop her from being just who she is.

This is who Adelyn is - and quite frankly, who I used to be.

She is spunky.  She laughs and smiles and lights up a room all. the. time.

She doesn't let anything get in her way.  When she wants to do something, she makes it happen.  And she makes it happen on her own.  She doesn't insist on help.

That being said, she thinks before she acts.  If it's too high, she doesn't jump.  If she still really wants to jump, she does ask for help.  She knows her limits.

She eats when she's hungry, but she loves food and she loves to try new things. She is awesomely curious. She sits with me while I cook and helps anytime she can.

Adelyn is my inspiration.  Sure I want to be healthy to be a role model for my kids and I am inspired by that, but even more - Adelyn is exactly who I used to be and who I want to be again.  For whatever reason, I let what people said about me or what I assumed they were thinking about me turn me into this needy self-loathing individual.  I'm still pretty independent - at work - and can lead the best of them, but when it comes to me and how I feel about me personally, I'm not.

I've been working with a trainer once a week to help me come up with a plan of things to do at home.  I was talking to her about this last week and she said, "It sounds like you've conquered everything but yourself.  You've got the great family and great job, now you need to focus on yourself."  This is so true --- but a crazy social experiment as I figure out how to "do it all".  I'm a mom, wife, and school administrator.  My husband is a college professor who is still figuring out what that means to him. I'm about as busy as it gets.  But I need to focus on myself - not for my kids, but for me.

I don't want what happened to me happen to Adelyn. I really feel the only way to make that happen is to show her how to take care of herself and continue to be spunky, independent, reflective, and curious about everything without letting other people change that.

I'm 35 and sometimes feel like my journey has just begun!

Could be my tipping point...

Ok - so go to New York City where they are having record breaking temperatures over 100 degrees multiple days in a row and walk around.  Everywhere.  75 pounds overweight.  And then see if you put a plan into ACTION when you get back.

Plan still coming together.  In the meantime,  check out the two most recent posts from eatingjourney.

I think I may make her my new best friend.

Now I'm off to crunch data.  Awesome.

What to do, what to do?

Ok, so I've been in a little bit of meltdown mode for awhile.  I have spouts of greatness, but let's face it, it's been since about the Mini, if not before, that I've been in this mode.  Work was rough at the end of the school year, I'm still working a ton, my mother in law passed away, my husband has been in a serious funk (understandably), and well, I'm in meltdown mode.

It finally hit me last week that for awhile now, I've been thinking to myself, I know I'm overweight, but I actually feel ok --- last week, I decided I really don't feel ok.  I don't eat horribly - in fact, I eat pretty healthily - but I eat too much.  Period.

When I sign up for Weight Watchers, I stop tracking and give up. Then I decide it's ridiculous to pay and unsubscribe.

Then I decide to count calories - when the afternoon hits and I get home, I stop counting - it's not that I overeat, I just don't take the time to sit down and write everything down.

Then I think I'll eat when I'm hungry.  I'll stop when I'm not.  I do ok at this - but still think I eat too much when I'm hungry.

Oy.

Why, at 35, am I still DEALING WITH THIS???

This is my year to make this happen and get totally comfortable with myself.  Seriously.  This is it.  Next summer I won't be lamenting the fact that I am overweight and it is hot.  Seriously.  I just have to make it happen.  I about 80 pounds need to make it happen.....I'm just really trying to do it the best possible way.

I know WW works.  Period.  Just have to do it.

I know calorie counting works.  Period.  Just have to do it.

I'd love to read more about Intuitive Eating - I discovered Christie the other day through Carla's website  the other day and absolutely loved her guest post.  I thought about emailing her tonight, but chickened out.  I don't really know what to say....

I've thought about creating my own weekly menu with calories already done and sticking to that - but really, how does that truly teach me how to eat in any given situation - but maybe, just maybe that would be a good starting point.

Oy.

Next week, I'm in NYC for the week for work.  I lived there for four years and am so excited to be there.  I met with a trainer on Tuesday and go again tomorrow (I totally an completely cannot afford this and have no idea where the money will come from but am going to make it work so I have someone supporting me for awhile...) - and she's going to give me homework for the week.  When I get back, I'll be home for two weeks and maybe do the menu thing then.  *Sigh*

It's just so much.

And I know it's always going to be so much - that might be one of the reasons why I am so reluctant....

The self-sabotage has to end though.  I'm the only one that can fix this!

That's all for now.  I'll keep you all posted on what happens.

My Baby's Birthday

This weekend, my baby turned two.  Definitely not so much a baby anymore - this picture truly epitomizes her and her spunkiness.  She gets excited about EVERYTHING - something we should all try to do more - just be excited!

A birthday weekend mean dessert 3 nights in a row.  I made the cupcakes healthier and only took a couple of bites of the brownie sundae, but seriously, it all counts.  I managed to get in a 3 mile S-L-O-W run on Sunday and a 12 mile bike ride on Saturday....but I ate and ate and ate.

My hip is really bothering me on my runs.  I'm not sure about the 5 miler on Saturday.  I might just do the 5k.  While running on Saturday, my hip started hurting in the middle of mile 1.  Ugh.

This morning, I officially started counting calories again.  I need to do this for my babies.  I am at an unhealthy weight.  Period.  I'm going to try to blog more about my eats, but time is of the essence in my world.  I'm just going to be healthy.  That is all.

Sadness and Confessions

Sadness =

My mother in law passed away last week.

It's a really long story - but the bottom line is she didn't have a healthy heart, was in surgery to make it better, and she didn't make it.

She was 60.

My husband is very sad and working hard to move on.  But it's hard.

Confession =

I haven't run since the mini.  I'm scheduled to a race on June 5 and want to do a tri in August.  I have zero motivation and have to find it somewhere.  I'm just feeling quiet and tired.  At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is workout.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling bad about myself and sorry for myself and desperate to lose weight.  I've been feeling proud and happy.  Ugh.

The good news is, I haven't been eating out of control - as would be a typical reaction for me.  The thing is, I know now, more than ever, the need to be healthy and live life to the fullest.

So I'm working on it.  But man, right now is a really hard time.

It's Been Decided

My next race will be on June 5, 2010:

Outrun the Sun - 5 miles :)

Now, let me be clear on a few things.

I don't love running for disease causes.  I don't know why.  I don't have a specific reason....the only thing I can think of is I'm a teacher and education and teachers are in serious serious need of money - all the time.  I know this is the same as diseases like cancer but if I had to commit to a cause, it would be education.  Districts and schools all over the country are doing races to benefit them.  They are just harder to find sometimes.  I am doing an "event" at my school this year and am very excited.  It'll be smaller event for our first time around, but I'm hoping it'll raise some money and be the start of something spectacular.  I'll tell more about it as we get closer - but we are hoping to involved ALL of the kids and their families.  The real point is to get people moving.  The benefit point is to raise some money!

I was going to do a trail run in Nashville, IN on the 5th.  However, I'd have to drive down the night before - I just couldn't imagine doing an hour+ long drive the morning of a race, and we really don't have extra money for any travel right now.  So, I'll do the local race - at 7pm on a Sat. night, which actually will be kind of cool and different.  Plus, it's in Fort Harrison State Park , which will also be cool.  I plan on spending lots of time there this summer!

So that's all for now.  Hubby is going out of town for a few days and that always makes life very interesting for me.  And my life has been insanely busy the past couple of weeks. I've taken off a week from running, and still, oddly enough, I seem to be on an emotional upswing - which is always a very good thing!

When You're Still Called Fat...

My morning started with a blocked email sent to me.

In my role as an administrator, I deal with a variety of things on a daily basis - including inappropriate use of internet.  This morning, I got a blocked email from one student to another that was terribly inappropriate with a terrible use of language - and ended with: "And let's talk about Ms. Courtney.  She's fat.  She need to lose weight."

Awesome.

Even after running a half marathon this weekend, giving birth to two children, working my butt off on a daily basis to not only be good at my work and at being a mother and wife, and working incredibly hard at ending fat talk about myself and finding my beauty both inside and out, this has still put me in a state this morning that makes me not even want to function today.

I'm 70 pounds overweight.  And let's just put it out there - everyone notices.  I know they notice so many other things I do too, but you can't overlook the straight up truth about my body.

2010 Indianapolis Mini Marathon

The 35th Running of the OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini-Marathon took place on Saturday, May 8, 2010.  The Mini has sold-out for the past nine years with 35,000 registrants, and an additional 4,000 participants in the Finish Line 500 Festival 5K. The Mini-Marathon is the largest half-marathon in the U.S., and overall, the fifth largest running event in America. The 2010 event sold out on December 14, 2009.


Ladies and gentlemen ---- I finished.  It was one of the best days of my life.  I went through 75 different emotions in 3 hours and could barely walk - seriously - when it was done, but today I feel great, can't believe I did it and am so proud.


I ran my first half marathon in 2004.  I trained harder and just generally did a better job but still finished in the back of the pack.  This year, I have no idea where I finished, but there were probably about 33,000 more participants and I was most definitely not in the back of the pack!


It was cold. And windy.  And cold and windy. The cold didn't really bother me, but the wind gusts were intense.  Once I got going, though, I didn't notice the wind at all - unless it was behind me and my pace went from 12:00 or 13:00 to 10:30 :)  Those were nice wind gusts!  When I crossed the start line, about 20 minutes after the race began, I had to choke back some sobs.  I"ve wanted to run this race for a really long time and I was finally doing it!


The first 8 miles, I ran.  It was a steady pace, under 13:00 minutes, which is what I always want to run at right now.  I felt great.  I was listening to great tunes, smiling at the musical selections I had made and the order my husband had put them in, and just enjoying the people on the route and the event in general.  We had just hit the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which is supposed to be the highlight of the race - running around the track - but it was my downfall.  It was boring.  People were starting to pull of the side and stretch.  It's a 2.5 mile track and you can't see anything around the corner, so you have on idea when it's going to end!  So frustrating for me!  There were some cheerleading squads along the way - my favorite was the squad that all had shirts on that said, "Our coach needs a husband!" - but that lasted for about 2 minutes of entertainment.


This is when my mind starting playing tricks on me.  My knee hurt.  I needed to walk.  My music was boring.  I still had 5 miles to go.  There are people who have finished by now.  I didn't train well.  I'm a fool.  People are passing me.  My goal is under 3 hours.  I quickly did the math and realized I was not going to make it so I got pissed.  I tried to run really fast but knew I wouldn't be able to keep up that pace. Whatever, I'm excited I'm doing it.  This is awesome.  Look at all those people!  Wait, are those kamikazi shots in front of that bar? 


Seriously, it was crazy!


So, I started to run/walk.  When I walked it hurt more.  When I ran it hurt less but it was so slow I felt like I should just be walking.  When I walked, I would text my husband to tell him where I was, along with some expletives that I won't mention....but then I realized I was at mile 11 and 2 more miles didn't seem like ANYTHING to me.  It felt better walking - even if it was more of a shuffle - and I was so proud.  I choked back more sobs.  I replayed some tunes that were particularly motivating.  I knew my family was at the 13 mile sign and all I wanted to do was see them.  I was now running to get to the 13 miles sign. Nothing else mattered.  When I got there and saw them, I started yelling and waving my hands and went right to them.  Here's a shot that my hubby took:

I was whooing and slapping everyone high five and smiling and at this point, nothing else mattered.  I was going to finish, I was so proud, it was AWESOME!


Then, I had to start walking.  The race was over.  And I was in PAIN.  All I wanted to do was sit and stretch but I was seriously afraid I'd never get up.  I was sobbing, for multiple reasons, and I swear when the lady handed me my medal I almost grabbed her and hugged her.


I finally found a spot to sit and stretch and it felt so good.  My family caught up with me and we hugged and smiled and my hubby helped me stretch.


IT WAS AWESOME.


Walking back to the car was next to impossible.  I was moving so slow.  I couldn't step off curbs or walk up them without feeling like I was going to fall over.  When we finally made it to the car I couldn't wait to sit and boy did I realize then how much I smelled!!!


When we finally got home, I took a REALLY HOT BATH, took some Advil, laid down and took a long nap.  When I got up, I could actually move!  And this morning, when I got up, I felt ok!  I felt like I had just had a hard workout the day before - which I had!


That's the recap - on to the next one!  I can't wait - and now I have to decide which one to do!


WHOOOOHOOOOO! (that is what I yelled at photographers every time I saw them - can't wait to see those pics!)

I'm obsessed and published :)

Two things to end the day for me (Ok, maybe three)

1)  I'm obsessed with Puffins.  Original and Peanut Butter are my favorites and mixing the two makes me even happier.  Put those together with some almond milk and I am a very happy girl...er woman. (As A1 would say, "You're a woman, Mommy.  Adelyn is a GIRL."  Today I had two bowls while I waited for Abel to wake up.

2) He's feeling a lot better.  He requested Nachos for dinner (I'm blogging while they eat.  Still very full from the Puffins) He slept for 5 hours this afternoon.  I had to wake him up to go get A2 at daycare!

3) Have you checked out Maria's I'm a Vegetarian series?  She's over at realfitmama.com and published my story today.  I saw her post on twitter and sent her my story while I was on break.  Check it out!

And the last good news is while I wasn't at school today, it was a great day.  Go figure!  I've heard from the other school leaders and they were really happy about today.  Sweet.  Cheers to the rest of the week being the same way!  5 days until my half!  Whoohooo!!!

Today is a day for quiet

I have had a hell of a week.  Last week was insane.  I had 101 issues with kids and families at school, hubby went out of town for 5 days (he gets back tonight!), I fit in a 10 miler to have one long run before this weekend's half, and back to school yesterday brought more of last week.  Wow.  As I was leaving work yesterday, I got a phone call from daycare telling me A1 had a fever.  I knew something was up, but since I'm on my own I was in denial.

However, the most important things in my life are me, my kids, my hubby and my family.  Period.  So today I took A1 to work with me for a little bit while I got things in order and now we are being quiet.  He's snuggling on the couch with his animals and I'm playing on the internet.  Just being chill.  So important.

I'm gearing up for this weekend.  I'm so excited for the race.  My time is going to be so slow.  Originally I wanted to finish the half in less than 2.5 hours, but I don't think that's going to happen.  We'll see.  I'm also planning the next few months of races and events.  So fun to think of what I could do next.  I'm looking at a trail run,  Go Girl triathlon, a duathlon and maybe another half in the fall.  Events help motivate me.  That's the bottom line - plus I love them.  I loved this feeling of crowds of people at Race for the Cure in April.

And seeing my fabulous cheering section when I rounded the corner heading for the finish line:

Mostly I just love this:

Aren't they beautiful?  Even their backsides? :)

Looking forward to a chill day - can't wait to post about future race plans and general progress made here!

This day must get better...

My day started with a parent wishing my head was under this mallet:

This showing up at my school to work through an issue:

And making a million mistakes with coordinating as well as administrating this to my students:

If I had any money in the bank, I'd probably go eat a bunch of food that sucks for me and drink too much Diet Coke.  

This day MUST get better!

Stomach Bug

I've been dealing with a stomach thing just about all winter.  I cannot figure out what it is.  I've pretty much given up dairy thinking that it was related - but today I swear I move for 5 minutes and my stomach starts to ache and I have to sit down.  Don't get me started on my trips to the bathroom....at least today I've kept some food down.

This morning was a 10 miler.  It hasn't happened. I was supposed to go with my friend. We were going to run/walk it and feel really good about ourselves. Instead, it's almost noon and I'm still in my pjs feeling rather dysfunctional.  I didn't run all week, but did do an incredible 9 mile walk with the family last weekend.

I'm frustrated.  I feel so lazy - although I know this is not true about me. I've been reading all these blogs and people's race stories - - especially Bobbi's most recent half marathon, and I just can't figure out why I can't seem to manage it all.  It's this internal thing that is so absurd.

I'm still going to do the half.  I'll be able to finish it - just not as fast as I was hoping.  I'm still motivated though - this weekend just feels like a major bump in the road.

Ugh!

I Love Salad!

Ok, I don't really love salad.  But I could love salad if it's the right salad.  And the right salad has to have the right ingredients.  My new goal, in my new 9 week push (9 weeks left of the school year - I start summer feeling better than EVER!), is to have salad everyday.  But not just any salad.  Amazing salad.  Salad that makes people say, "Ooooooh that looks good."  Or, "Wow, is that a salad?"

Last week,  RhodeyGirl talked about the I Love Salad challenge, and I committed to eating amazing salad everyday this week and this was today's salad.  Ingredients:

Romaine
Spinach
Carrots
Celery
Orange Pepper
Whole Wheat Cousous dressed with lemon and a little bit of garlic and olive oil
Roasted sweet potatoes
Roasted butternut squash
Roasted Asparagus
Tofu croutons

It was epic.

And almost everyone in the room asked me what it was and one person even asked for the recipe.  Ha!

Day One of I Love Salad challenge complete and mission accomplished.  Whoohooo!

Not Getting My Zzzzzs

Here's a pic of me and A2 when she was about 6 weeks old.  Sound asleep on Mama.  What in the world happens?  Why can't we sleep as well as we did when we were infants?  Are we that traumatized by our everyday lives?

I am normally an incredible sleeper.  I go to bed early, get a good night's sleep and am pretty peaceful as I fall asleep.  I have this whole routine about saying 3 things I'm grateful for before I fall asleep.  It's a great way to end my day.

In the past couple of weeks, I am simply not sleeping well.  I can't fall asleep and then I get stressed that I'm not falling asleep and start feeling crazy anxiety through every inch of my body.  I've been off my typical schedule because of my spring break, but really don't feel like it should be impacting my sleep as much.  I haven't been exercising like I normally do either - again, lack of schedule, so maybe that's it.  I swear I thrive on schedule.  You know what?  So do babies! With both of my babies, I had them eating at a certain time, changing diapers at a certain time, sleeping at certain times...they were on a schedule.  With my students at school, as soon as you thwart their day in anyway, they fall apart.  They too thrive on schedules.

So maybe that's just it.  Maybe it's all about the schedule.  Like I said yesterday, for my next break, I'll be more clear on my day to day schedules and that will help.  I write them out.  And follow them.  I have not been productive at all with my time off, again, more than likely due to no schedule.

So there you have it folks!  In order to be peaceful like this:

You have to have a schedule - at least I do!  Here's to hoping and praying I get my zzzz's tonight!

Eat More Veggies

This is a picture of my kids at Halloween.  A1 said he wanted to be a cow for Halloween, so we obliged.  Pillow cases and masks my mom randomly had.  Right on!  My dad looked at this picture this weekend, laughed, and said, "Eat more chicken!"  Since I'm a vegetarian, my thought was no, eat more veggies!

This, I think, is my problem today.  I've been on break now for 2.5 weeks.  My school is a year round calendar, so we have 3 weeks off at spring and fall and a shorter summer.  It's way better for kids and give me time, as an administrator, to get organized and energized.  I love it, but I do struggle with not having my regular schedule.  I thrive on schedules and kind of become a mess when I don't have one! However, my energy the past couple of days is totally lacking.

I haven't run in 2 weeks.  Last week I was just straight up lazy and working around the house.  On Sun, we took the kids out in the Phil and Ted's and walked for 5.5 miles.  After some yard work at the end of the day, my leg was in serious pain.  Since I'm supposed to be doing a half marathon and all on May 8, this kind of is freaking me out.  I'm not up on my long runs (it's become more of a run/walk but I'm FINE with that!), and now I have this injury.  On top of all of that, my eating kind of sucks.  I'm not eating enough veggies and fueling my body with what I know I need to fuel with!

This is what I do to myself.  I get lazy, I give up, I don't fuel myself properly, and I have to start over with this get motivated cycle.  Ugh!  You'd think that at 35, I'd have this figured out.  But I don't.  This is why I say I'm a work in progress.  What I SHOULD be doing is making a schedule for myself everyday while I"m on break.  Lesson learned.  Today, I'm chillin' with A1 as he has a fever and sore throat (but not strep - that's good!), and planning on a great veggie stir-fry tonight.

My biggest accomplishment today will be to not beat myself up over  not feeling motivated.  This is a very tricky concept for me - and something I'm going to HAVE to continue to do (the not beat myself up part for whatever reason) on a day to day basis before I accept myself for who I am.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am a hard worker.  I know I am beautiful and have an amazing family.  The emotional side of this particular human should be a cake walk - but it's just not - at least, not today :)  I'm getting there, really I am!

The Way We Look in Pictures

I love pictures.  I love taking them.  I love looking at them.  I love what memories they bring back and honestly, I have lots of pictures that bring back lots of amazing memories.

These are all pictures of me.  Picture of me from the past two years where I quickly lost 30 pounds after giving birth to A2 and have been at a standstill ever since.  I have many more pounds to go and am working really hard trying to figure it all out. I judged myself in every single picture (and really, this is just a few).  I look fat.  I have bad hair.  One of my front teeth is a different color than the other.  I also notice in a lot of my pictures that I try to cover myself up somehow.

Ludicrous.

My mom does the same thing.  When we were in Florida last week, my mom did the same thing.  She wanted to look at all of the pictures taken of her right away, and she commented on all of them. And not a single comment was every positive.

It was during that trip that I decided I was not going to do this anymore.  My kids heard my mom.  My kids hear EVERYTHING.  They are kids. That's what they do.  I DO NOT want them to think that making negative comments about yourself, anytime or anywhere, is a good thing.  SO, I've turned a new leaf.

I got a bunch of pictures printed for my parents and to put up in our house.  When I brought them home, I worked to look at every single one and say something positive about it.  It felt great.  I know I have a long way to go.  I can't wait to have spectacular before and after pictures.  But in the meantime, I need to quit putting myself down, all the freaking time, and be positive.  All the little ones in my life, whether my own or the ones I teach, are listening and watching! Not only do I need to be my own superhero, I need to be theirs too!

So here goes with the previously posted pictures:

This photo was taken when A1 was about 22 months and A2 was about 8 weeks.  We were leaving to go to a back to school party with my new co-workers and I was so excited.  I was excited about school, who I was working with, what I was doing....I thought my kids looked incredible and I was in a good mental place that night!  Plus, we are sitting on the front porch of our new house and I am just so proud of everything.

My brother got married in San Francisco in Fall 2008.  We had a blast.  The kids were amazing, my brother and his wife were amazing, and San Francisco was amazing.  We are in front of the Bay Bridge, which was right by our hotel, which by the way, was also amazing.  I was so grateful for this time together as a family.

This is me serving myself at the first Thanksgiving meal we had at our new house.  I prepared it, plated it, and had a blast doing it.  I LOVE cooking Thanksgiving.  I love having my family in my house and celebrating being together.  That's what this picture is about.

This is me and A2 at Christmas at The Drake in Chicago.  We go every year.  She's adorable and this is an adorable picture.  People say we look a lot alike.  She has my husband's eyes and a lot of me.  I love this photo.  Again, it represents family and love.

This is me and Ryan in Santa Fe.  We go a couple of times a year as a family and we love it there.  My parents have a house all tucked into the mountains and it is so peaceful.  This past summer, we had an incredible week there.  Ryan and I have been together almost half our lives (we realized that this weekend). We celebrate our 13 year anniversary this summer! He is so sweet to me and helps me feel beautiful all the time.

This is a picture of me after my first race in several years.  I ran a 5K this fall.  It was a little over 38 minutes, something easy to beat, but I was so incredibly proud of finishing this race - the first of several I have completed since this fall - and hopefully the first of many in the next several years!  This picture is all about pride.  This picture represents me and who I know I really am!

See?  It's not so hard.  I don't look at the pictures and see a bad hair day, ugly shirt, or overweight person.  I am so much more than that.

What about you?  How do you see yourself in pictures?  How SHOULD you see yourself in pictures?

We all have much to be grateful for.  We are all beautiful.  That's what pictures are about!

So much on my mind

I haven't posted in forever. Not because of anything (like I'm hiding because I'm doing something wrong), but because when I have a spare minute. I just stop and pause.

I'm going to post more next week on what's going on in my life, but I had to post a quickie today because of Mizfit's post today. She writes about fitting in. This is interesting because really, why do I want to keep a blog? I spend a lot of time thinking, who cares? There are half a million blogs out there - I read so many of them - and I'm not sure what I write would make that big of a difference to anyone. Other times I think what difference does it make? It's a place for me to keep track of my thoughts. Then I think, I could just do that on my own in an electronic journal. Then I think, but what if one, just one person is inspired by me? That would be the best feeling in the world! And then I wonder, am I just trying to fit in? Like what Mizfit wrote about today? In 35 years, am I STILL trying to figure out what my niche is?

The answer to that is yes. Yes, yes, yes.

I digress.

Wednesday is my 35th birthday. I've been on vacation in Florida this week (I'm so freaking lucky!) and I've done a few runs/walks where I thought about this a lot. Asking myself the same questions: Why am I running, what's my real purpose, etc....I've been thinking about my food choices a lot, and then thinking about why I'm thinking about my food choices....

For once, I'd like to just not think.

Today, when I read this quote from Mizfit:

Life isnt about fitting in. It’s about carving your unique path & creating an existence which allows you to be your best self.

I realized that this is me. This has been me for years and years and years. I'm slowly starting to get it. I had a moment this week when I thought, damn, I wish I would have gone through this process when I was was 25 - or even 15, but that's wishful thinking and honestly? 25 and 15 were pretty awesome!

Anyway, more next week. In fact, I have lots I want to write about and reflect about and for the 2 or 3 people that are reading, I'm going to write it here: Two topics that are deeply on my mind are - how we respond to ourselves in pictures and how we talk about ourselves in front of our children. Being on vacation - and in a swimsuit - this is something that has been on my mind a lot!

In the meantime, here's another thought for you:



and this - my family on campus:



and this from the Bulldog Jog that I did on March 12 (and set my PR in a 5K - 36:00 and some change!)




We are SO PROUD of our BUTLER BULLDOGS! My husband and I are both graduates, we now live a mile and a half from campus, and this fall, Ryan (the husband) will be a professor of education there. There is nothing more exciting than our little school being in the final four this weekend! I can't believe we are missing the festivities in Indy this weekend, but I'm not going to complain!

3 mile run - check!

I did it.

I left work in my running clothes.

I said I'd be back in 45 minutes.

It was raining.

I did it!

3 miles done.

My legs were really heavy,

So I took a couple of walking breaks.

But it wasn't hard - just kind of slow.

Now, I'm wet.

And little cold.

But I'm proud!

One Month Results

Whoohoo!

So this morning are my one month results day of really watching what I'm eating and counting points on Weight Watchers. I'm am so very proud to announce I lost 9.6 pounds in a month! This is a big deal for a couple of reasons. One, it's 9.6 pounds. Two, I feel good about myself. I feel healthy. When I eat poorly (which I have a couple of times), I feel it. Three, I'm really understanding how my body responds to food. For example, if I don't have protein at lunch, I am exhausted in the afternoon.

Yes, I think I might be figuring it out!

As I'm training for the mini-marathon on May 8, my long runs are on the weekends. I pushed my weigh-in day up to Tuesdays because it felt better to have it closer to the weekends. Monday is a rest day for my body and I feel like my weigh-ins should be on a rest day. I don't know why.

So here's to the next month!