Sunday, February 14, 2010

So Much..

There is so much going on in my life. The past couple of weeks have been intensely hard for me as I have been going through a lot emotionally and therefore physically. 2 weeks ago, I did a 4 miler with 3 friends. We had a ball. I felt great. Then, it snowed a bunch and my ability to run outside became pretty hard. We don't have a membership to a gym - I could go to the Y (where we put our membership on hold for the winter) and pay, but to be honest, at the end of a really long day, it's just not where my motivation is. Additionally, I'm struggling a little bit with my knees. They just ache, and I know that has something to do with wear and tear on them, but also this weight I've been carrying around for 2 years now.

Motivation. It's become such an interesting word for me. I find, lately, that I am motivated to do very little. I do what I have to do to be a good educator and mother, but it stops there. I haven't been taking care of myself, I'm gaining weight - more on that in a minute - and therefore feeling horrible about myself. And I mean horrible.

This has to change. This has to get fixed. I have to figure out what to do about it.

So I am. Tonight, I rejoined Weight Watchers Online, and will be consistent with tracking and thinking about what I'm eating. In the past, when I have done WW, I have been successful. Really successful. The emotional stuff has been what has kept me from A) keeping it off and B) being successful since I had the babies. The emotional stuff has to be conquered by me. This is going to be so hard - but has to be done before A1 and A2 get old enough to realize their mom is a quack :) I don't want to be a quack - and I don't want them to have secret talks about how crazy their mama is!

I have to prioritize myself. I just have to. I have to stop sabotaging myself and looking to create a problem. I know how to eat well and lose weight, but I'm not doing it. This time, by joining, I'm kind of at an all time low (emotionally, definitely not weight-wise!). I'm hoping I can bring myself back up - to feel happy. To be proud of myself. Not me as a teacher or a mother, but as just me. I want to look at myself and see someone who is happy. I"m not saying I have to be skinny to be happy. That's pathetic. However, I don't feel good about me. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like a 35 (almost) year old - I feel like I"m about 60.

2010 is my year to make some stuff happen. I hope I can record it all here!


  1. I'm so happy you took steps to get back on track! That's the most important thing. Because if you don't have the strength and motivation to just pick yourself up, the other things will be harder. I agree to prioritizing yourself!

  2. You can do this!!!! I feel ya with the snow...I am starting to HATE my elliptical and don't know how I'm going to do the mini if I can't get outside. I'm glad you are taking the right steps to make YOU happy. Making you happy will make you a better wife, mother, and teacher. EVERYONE WINS!!! :)