So Much..

There is so much going on in my life. The past couple of weeks have been intensely hard for me as I have been going through a lot emotionally and therefore physically. 2 weeks ago, I did a 4 miler with 3 friends. We had a ball. I felt great. Then, it snowed a bunch and my ability to run outside became pretty hard. We don't have a membership to a gym - I could go to the Y (where we put our membership on hold for the winter) and pay, but to be honest, at the end of a really long day, it's just not where my motivation is. Additionally, I'm struggling a little bit with my knees. They just ache, and I know that has something to do with wear and tear on them, but also this weight I've been carrying around for 2 years now.

Motivation. It's become such an interesting word for me. I find, lately, that I am motivated to do very little. I do what I have to do to be a good educator and mother, but it stops there. I haven't been taking care of myself, I'm gaining weight - more on that in a minute - and therefore feeling horrible about myself. And I mean horrible.

This has to change. This has to get fixed. I have to figure out what to do about it.

So I am. Tonight, I rejoined Weight Watchers Online, and will be consistent with tracking and thinking about what I'm eating. In the past, when I have done WW, I have been successful. Really successful. The emotional stuff has been what has kept me from A) keeping it off and B) being successful since I had the babies. The emotional stuff has to be conquered by me. This is going to be so hard - but has to be done before A1 and A2 get old enough to realize their mom is a quack :) I don't want to be a quack - and I don't want them to have secret talks about how crazy their mama is!

I have to prioritize myself. I just have to. I have to stop sabotaging myself and looking to create a problem. I know how to eat well and lose weight, but I'm not doing it. This time, by joining, I'm kind of at an all time low (emotionally, definitely not weight-wise!). I'm hoping I can bring myself back up - to feel happy. To be proud of myself. Not me as a teacher or a mother, but as just me. I want to look at myself and see someone who is happy. I"m not saying I have to be skinny to be happy. That's pathetic. However, I don't feel good about me. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like a 35 (almost) year old - I feel like I"m about 60.

2010 is my year to make some stuff happen. I hope I can record it all here!