My Inspiration

This is my Adelyn Lee.  She's my 2 year old and she is awesome.  Don't get me wrong, Abel, my 3 1/2 year old is also awesome, but I had a moment with Adelyn the other night that I want to share.

I took this picture after she slid down into this position.  I sit like this all the time.  In fact, I posted it on my facebook page and people that I work with commented on the fact that I sit like this in meetings.  I don't even realize I do it, it's just a natural position.  18 years and 80 pounds ago, I ended my 15 year run as a gymnast.  I was going to be Mary Lou Retton - but that didn't quite work out.  I was a decent gymnast in high school - and my team was state runner-ups two years in a row.  It was kind of a glory time for me.

People tell me that Adelyn looks and acts just like me.  And I agree in so many ways.  But she's two.  And she hasn't had a chance to let anything stop her from being just who she is.

This is who Adelyn is - and quite frankly, who I used to be.

She is spunky.  She laughs and smiles and lights up a room all. the. time.

She doesn't let anything get in her way.  When she wants to do something, she makes it happen.  And she makes it happen on her own.  She doesn't insist on help.

That being said, she thinks before she acts.  If it's too high, she doesn't jump.  If she still really wants to jump, she does ask for help.  She knows her limits.

She eats when she's hungry, but she loves food and she loves to try new things. She is awesomely curious. She sits with me while I cook and helps anytime she can.

Adelyn is my inspiration.  Sure I want to be healthy to be a role model for my kids and I am inspired by that, but even more - Adelyn is exactly who I used to be and who I want to be again.  For whatever reason, I let what people said about me or what I assumed they were thinking about me turn me into this needy self-loathing individual.  I'm still pretty independent - at work - and can lead the best of them, but when it comes to me and how I feel about me personally, I'm not.

I've been working with a trainer once a week to help me come up with a plan of things to do at home.  I was talking to her about this last week and she said, "It sounds like you've conquered everything but yourself.  You've got the great family and great job, now you need to focus on yourself."  This is so true --- but a crazy social experiment as I figure out how to "do it all".  I'm a mom, wife, and school administrator.  My husband is a college professor who is still figuring out what that means to him. I'm about as busy as it gets.  But I need to focus on myself - not for my kids, but for me.

I don't want what happened to me happen to Adelyn. I really feel the only way to make that happen is to show her how to take care of herself and continue to be spunky, independent, reflective, and curious about everything without letting other people change that.

I'm 35 and sometimes feel like my journey has just begun!

Could be my tipping point...

Ok - so go to New York City where they are having record breaking temperatures over 100 degrees multiple days in a row and walk around.  Everywhere.  75 pounds overweight.  And then see if you put a plan into ACTION when you get back.

Plan still coming together.  In the meantime,  check out the two most recent posts from eatingjourney.

I think I may make her my new best friend.

Now I'm off to crunch data.  Awesome.

What to do, what to do?

Ok, so I've been in a little bit of meltdown mode for awhile.  I have spouts of greatness, but let's face it, it's been since about the Mini, if not before, that I've been in this mode.  Work was rough at the end of the school year, I'm still working a ton, my mother in law passed away, my husband has been in a serious funk (understandably), and well, I'm in meltdown mode.

It finally hit me last week that for awhile now, I've been thinking to myself, I know I'm overweight, but I actually feel ok --- last week, I decided I really don't feel ok.  I don't eat horribly - in fact, I eat pretty healthily - but I eat too much.  Period.

When I sign up for Weight Watchers, I stop tracking and give up. Then I decide it's ridiculous to pay and unsubscribe.

Then I decide to count calories - when the afternoon hits and I get home, I stop counting - it's not that I overeat, I just don't take the time to sit down and write everything down.

Then I think I'll eat when I'm hungry.  I'll stop when I'm not.  I do ok at this - but still think I eat too much when I'm hungry.

Oy.

Why, at 35, am I still DEALING WITH THIS???

This is my year to make this happen and get totally comfortable with myself.  Seriously.  This is it.  Next summer I won't be lamenting the fact that I am overweight and it is hot.  Seriously.  I just have to make it happen.  I about 80 pounds need to make it happen.....I'm just really trying to do it the best possible way.

I know WW works.  Period.  Just have to do it.

I know calorie counting works.  Period.  Just have to do it.

I'd love to read more about Intuitive Eating - I discovered Christie the other day through Carla's website  the other day and absolutely loved her guest post.  I thought about emailing her tonight, but chickened out.  I don't really know what to say....

I've thought about creating my own weekly menu with calories already done and sticking to that - but really, how does that truly teach me how to eat in any given situation - but maybe, just maybe that would be a good starting point.

Oy.

Next week, I'm in NYC for the week for work.  I lived there for four years and am so excited to be there.  I met with a trainer on Tuesday and go again tomorrow (I totally an completely cannot afford this and have no idea where the money will come from but am going to make it work so I have someone supporting me for awhile...) - and she's going to give me homework for the week.  When I get back, I'll be home for two weeks and maybe do the menu thing then.  *Sigh*

It's just so much.

And I know it's always going to be so much - that might be one of the reasons why I am so reluctant....

The self-sabotage has to end though.  I'm the only one that can fix this!

That's all for now.  I'll keep you all posted on what happens.

My Baby's Birthday

This weekend, my baby turned two.  Definitely not so much a baby anymore - this picture truly epitomizes her and her spunkiness.  She gets excited about EVERYTHING - something we should all try to do more - just be excited!

A birthday weekend mean dessert 3 nights in a row.  I made the cupcakes healthier and only took a couple of bites of the brownie sundae, but seriously, it all counts.  I managed to get in a 3 mile S-L-O-W run on Sunday and a 12 mile bike ride on Saturday....but I ate and ate and ate.

My hip is really bothering me on my runs.  I'm not sure about the 5 miler on Saturday.  I might just do the 5k.  While running on Saturday, my hip started hurting in the middle of mile 1.  Ugh.

This morning, I officially started counting calories again.  I need to do this for my babies.  I am at an unhealthy weight.  Period.  I'm going to try to blog more about my eats, but time is of the essence in my world.  I'm just going to be healthy.  That is all.

Sadness and Confessions

Sadness =

My mother in law passed away last week.

It's a really long story - but the bottom line is she didn't have a healthy heart, was in surgery to make it better, and she didn't make it.

She was 60.

My husband is very sad and working hard to move on.  But it's hard.

Confession =

I haven't run since the mini.  I'm scheduled to a race on June 5 and want to do a tri in August.  I have zero motivation and have to find it somewhere.  I'm just feeling quiet and tired.  At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is workout.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling bad about myself and sorry for myself and desperate to lose weight.  I've been feeling proud and happy.  Ugh.

The good news is, I haven't been eating out of control - as would be a typical reaction for me.  The thing is, I know now, more than ever, the need to be healthy and live life to the fullest.

So I'm working on it.  But man, right now is a really hard time.

It's Been Decided

My next race will be on June 5, 2010:

Outrun the Sun - 5 miles :)

Now, let me be clear on a few things.

I don't love running for disease causes.  I don't know why.  I don't have a specific reason....the only thing I can think of is I'm a teacher and education and teachers are in serious serious need of money - all the time.  I know this is the same as diseases like cancer but if I had to commit to a cause, it would be education.  Districts and schools all over the country are doing races to benefit them.  They are just harder to find sometimes.  I am doing an "event" at my school this year and am very excited.  It'll be smaller event for our first time around, but I'm hoping it'll raise some money and be the start of something spectacular.  I'll tell more about it as we get closer - but we are hoping to involved ALL of the kids and their families.  The real point is to get people moving.  The benefit point is to raise some money!

I was going to do a trail run in Nashville, IN on the 5th.  However, I'd have to drive down the night before - I just couldn't imagine doing an hour+ long drive the morning of a race, and we really don't have extra money for any travel right now.  So, I'll do the local race - at 7pm on a Sat. night, which actually will be kind of cool and different.  Plus, it's in Fort Harrison State Park , which will also be cool.  I plan on spending lots of time there this summer!

So that's all for now.  Hubby is going out of town for a few days and that always makes life very interesting for me.  And my life has been insanely busy the past couple of weeks. I've taken off a week from running, and still, oddly enough, I seem to be on an emotional upswing - which is always a very good thing!

When You're Still Called Fat...

My morning started with a blocked email sent to me.

In my role as an administrator, I deal with a variety of things on a daily basis - including inappropriate use of internet.  This morning, I got a blocked email from one student to another that was terribly inappropriate with a terrible use of language - and ended with: "And let's talk about Ms. Courtney.  She's fat.  She need to lose weight."

Awesome.

Even after running a half marathon this weekend, giving birth to two children, working my butt off on a daily basis to not only be good at my work and at being a mother and wife, and working incredibly hard at ending fat talk about myself and finding my beauty both inside and out, this has still put me in a state this morning that makes me not even want to function today.

I'm 70 pounds overweight.  And let's just put it out there - everyone notices.  I know they notice so many other things I do too, but you can't overlook the straight up truth about my body.

2010 Indianapolis Mini Marathon

The 35th Running of the OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini-Marathon took place on Saturday, May 8, 2010.  The Mini has sold-out for the past nine years with 35,000 registrants, and an additional 4,000 participants in the Finish Line 500 Festival 5K. The Mini-Marathon is the largest half-marathon in the U.S., and overall, the fifth largest running event in America. The 2010 event sold out on December 14, 2009.


Ladies and gentlemen ---- I finished.  It was one of the best days of my life.  I went through 75 different emotions in 3 hours and could barely walk - seriously - when it was done, but today I feel great, can't believe I did it and am so proud.


I ran my first half marathon in 2004.  I trained harder and just generally did a better job but still finished in the back of the pack.  This year, I have no idea where I finished, but there were probably about 33,000 more participants and I was most definitely not in the back of the pack!


It was cold. And windy.  And cold and windy. The cold didn't really bother me, but the wind gusts were intense.  Once I got going, though, I didn't notice the wind at all - unless it was behind me and my pace went from 12:00 or 13:00 to 10:30 :)  Those were nice wind gusts!  When I crossed the start line, about 20 minutes after the race began, I had to choke back some sobs.  I"ve wanted to run this race for a really long time and I was finally doing it!


The first 8 miles, I ran.  It was a steady pace, under 13:00 minutes, which is what I always want to run at right now.  I felt great.  I was listening to great tunes, smiling at the musical selections I had made and the order my husband had put them in, and just enjoying the people on the route and the event in general.  We had just hit the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which is supposed to be the highlight of the race - running around the track - but it was my downfall.  It was boring.  People were starting to pull of the side and stretch.  It's a 2.5 mile track and you can't see anything around the corner, so you have on idea when it's going to end!  So frustrating for me!  There were some cheerleading squads along the way - my favorite was the squad that all had shirts on that said, "Our coach needs a husband!" - but that lasted for about 2 minutes of entertainment.


This is when my mind starting playing tricks on me.  My knee hurt.  I needed to walk.  My music was boring.  I still had 5 miles to go.  There are people who have finished by now.  I didn't train well.  I'm a fool.  People are passing me.  My goal is under 3 hours.  I quickly did the math and realized I was not going to make it so I got pissed.  I tried to run really fast but knew I wouldn't be able to keep up that pace. Whatever, I'm excited I'm doing it.  This is awesome.  Look at all those people!  Wait, are those kamikazi shots in front of that bar? 


Seriously, it was crazy!


So, I started to run/walk.  When I walked it hurt more.  When I ran it hurt less but it was so slow I felt like I should just be walking.  When I walked, I would text my husband to tell him where I was, along with some expletives that I won't mention....but then I realized I was at mile 11 and 2 more miles didn't seem like ANYTHING to me.  It felt better walking - even if it was more of a shuffle - and I was so proud.  I choked back more sobs.  I replayed some tunes that were particularly motivating.  I knew my family was at the 13 mile sign and all I wanted to do was see them.  I was now running to get to the 13 miles sign. Nothing else mattered.  When I got there and saw them, I started yelling and waving my hands and went right to them.  Here's a shot that my hubby took:

I was whooing and slapping everyone high five and smiling and at this point, nothing else mattered.  I was going to finish, I was so proud, it was AWESOME!


Then, I had to start walking.  The race was over.  And I was in PAIN.  All I wanted to do was sit and stretch but I was seriously afraid I'd never get up.  I was sobbing, for multiple reasons, and I swear when the lady handed me my medal I almost grabbed her and hugged her.


I finally found a spot to sit and stretch and it felt so good.  My family caught up with me and we hugged and smiled and my hubby helped me stretch.


IT WAS AWESOME.


Walking back to the car was next to impossible.  I was moving so slow.  I couldn't step off curbs or walk up them without feeling like I was going to fall over.  When we finally made it to the car I couldn't wait to sit and boy did I realize then how much I smelled!!!


When we finally got home, I took a REALLY HOT BATH, took some Advil, laid down and took a long nap.  When I got up, I could actually move!  And this morning, when I got up, I felt ok!  I felt like I had just had a hard workout the day before - which I had!


That's the recap - on to the next one!  I can't wait - and now I have to decide which one to do!


WHOOOOHOOOOO! (that is what I yelled at photographers every time I saw them - can't wait to see those pics!)

I'm obsessed and published :)

Two things to end the day for me (Ok, maybe three)

1)  I'm obsessed with Puffins.  Original and Peanut Butter are my favorites and mixing the two makes me even happier.  Put those together with some almond milk and I am a very happy girl...er woman. (As A1 would say, "You're a woman, Mommy.  Adelyn is a GIRL."  Today I had two bowls while I waited for Abel to wake up.

2) He's feeling a lot better.  He requested Nachos for dinner (I'm blogging while they eat.  Still very full from the Puffins) He slept for 5 hours this afternoon.  I had to wake him up to go get A2 at daycare!

3) Have you checked out Maria's I'm a Vegetarian series?  She's over at realfitmama.com and published my story today.  I saw her post on twitter and sent her my story while I was on break.  Check it out!

And the last good news is while I wasn't at school today, it was a great day.  Go figure!  I've heard from the other school leaders and they were really happy about today.  Sweet.  Cheers to the rest of the week being the same way!  5 days until my half!  Whoohooo!!!

Today is a day for quiet

I have had a hell of a week.  Last week was insane.  I had 101 issues with kids and families at school, hubby went out of town for 5 days (he gets back tonight!), I fit in a 10 miler to have one long run before this weekend's half, and back to school yesterday brought more of last week.  Wow.  As I was leaving work yesterday, I got a phone call from daycare telling me A1 had a fever.  I knew something was up, but since I'm on my own I was in denial.

However, the most important things in my life are me, my kids, my hubby and my family.  Period.  So today I took A1 to work with me for a little bit while I got things in order and now we are being quiet.  He's snuggling on the couch with his animals and I'm playing on the internet.  Just being chill.  So important.

I'm gearing up for this weekend.  I'm so excited for the race.  My time is going to be so slow.  Originally I wanted to finish the half in less than 2.5 hours, but I don't think that's going to happen.  We'll see.  I'm also planning the next few months of races and events.  So fun to think of what I could do next.  I'm looking at a trail run,  Go Girl triathlon, a duathlon and maybe another half in the fall.  Events help motivate me.  That's the bottom line - plus I love them.  I loved this feeling of crowds of people at Race for the Cure in April.

And seeing my fabulous cheering section when I rounded the corner heading for the finish line:

Mostly I just love this:

Aren't they beautiful?  Even their backsides? :)

Looking forward to a chill day - can't wait to post about future race plans and general progress made here!

This day must get better...

My day started with a parent wishing my head was under this mallet:

This showing up at my school to work through an issue:

And making a million mistakes with coordinating as well as administrating this to my students:

If I had any money in the bank, I'd probably go eat a bunch of food that sucks for me and drink too much Diet Coke.  

This day MUST get better!

Stomach Bug

I've been dealing with a stomach thing just about all winter.  I cannot figure out what it is.  I've pretty much given up dairy thinking that it was related - but today I swear I move for 5 minutes and my stomach starts to ache and I have to sit down.  Don't get me started on my trips to the bathroom....at least today I've kept some food down.

This morning was a 10 miler.  It hasn't happened. I was supposed to go with my friend. We were going to run/walk it and feel really good about ourselves. Instead, it's almost noon and I'm still in my pjs feeling rather dysfunctional.  I didn't run all week, but did do an incredible 9 mile walk with the family last weekend.

I'm frustrated.  I feel so lazy - although I know this is not true about me. I've been reading all these blogs and people's race stories - - especially Bobbi's most recent half marathon, and I just can't figure out why I can't seem to manage it all.  It's this internal thing that is so absurd.

I'm still going to do the half.  I'll be able to finish it - just not as fast as I was hoping.  I'm still motivated though - this weekend just feels like a major bump in the road.

Ugh!

I Love Salad!

Ok, I don't really love salad.  But I could love salad if it's the right salad.  And the right salad has to have the right ingredients.  My new goal, in my new 9 week push (9 weeks left of the school year - I start summer feeling better than EVER!), is to have salad everyday.  But not just any salad.  Amazing salad.  Salad that makes people say, "Ooooooh that looks good."  Or, "Wow, is that a salad?"

Last week,  RhodeyGirl talked about the I Love Salad challenge, and I committed to eating amazing salad everyday this week and this was today's salad.  Ingredients:

Romaine
Spinach
Carrots
Celery
Orange Pepper
Whole Wheat Cousous dressed with lemon and a little bit of garlic and olive oil
Roasted sweet potatoes
Roasted butternut squash
Roasted Asparagus
Tofu croutons

It was epic.

And almost everyone in the room asked me what it was and one person even asked for the recipe.  Ha!

Day One of I Love Salad challenge complete and mission accomplished.  Whoohooo!

Not Getting My Zzzzzs

Here's a pic of me and A2 when she was about 6 weeks old.  Sound asleep on Mama.  What in the world happens?  Why can't we sleep as well as we did when we were infants?  Are we that traumatized by our everyday lives?

I am normally an incredible sleeper.  I go to bed early, get a good night's sleep and am pretty peaceful as I fall asleep.  I have this whole routine about saying 3 things I'm grateful for before I fall asleep.  It's a great way to end my day.

In the past couple of weeks, I am simply not sleeping well.  I can't fall asleep and then I get stressed that I'm not falling asleep and start feeling crazy anxiety through every inch of my body.  I've been off my typical schedule because of my spring break, but really don't feel like it should be impacting my sleep as much.  I haven't been exercising like I normally do either - again, lack of schedule, so maybe that's it.  I swear I thrive on schedule.  You know what?  So do babies! With both of my babies, I had them eating at a certain time, changing diapers at a certain time, sleeping at certain times...they were on a schedule.  With my students at school, as soon as you thwart their day in anyway, they fall apart.  They too thrive on schedules.

So maybe that's just it.  Maybe it's all about the schedule.  Like I said yesterday, for my next break, I'll be more clear on my day to day schedules and that will help.  I write them out.  And follow them.  I have not been productive at all with my time off, again, more than likely due to no schedule.

So there you have it folks!  In order to be peaceful like this:

You have to have a schedule - at least I do!  Here's to hoping and praying I get my zzzz's tonight!

Eat More Veggies

This is a picture of my kids at Halloween.  A1 said he wanted to be a cow for Halloween, so we obliged.  Pillow cases and masks my mom randomly had.  Right on!  My dad looked at this picture this weekend, laughed, and said, "Eat more chicken!"  Since I'm a vegetarian, my thought was no, eat more veggies!

This, I think, is my problem today.  I've been on break now for 2.5 weeks.  My school is a year round calendar, so we have 3 weeks off at spring and fall and a shorter summer.  It's way better for kids and give me time, as an administrator, to get organized and energized.  I love it, but I do struggle with not having my regular schedule.  I thrive on schedules and kind of become a mess when I don't have one! However, my energy the past couple of days is totally lacking.

I haven't run in 2 weeks.  Last week I was just straight up lazy and working around the house.  On Sun, we took the kids out in the Phil and Ted's and walked for 5.5 miles.  After some yard work at the end of the day, my leg was in serious pain.  Since I'm supposed to be doing a half marathon and all on May 8, this kind of is freaking me out.  I'm not up on my long runs (it's become more of a run/walk but I'm FINE with that!), and now I have this injury.  On top of all of that, my eating kind of sucks.  I'm not eating enough veggies and fueling my body with what I know I need to fuel with!

This is what I do to myself.  I get lazy, I give up, I don't fuel myself properly, and I have to start over with this get motivated cycle.  Ugh!  You'd think that at 35, I'd have this figured out.  But I don't.  This is why I say I'm a work in progress.  What I SHOULD be doing is making a schedule for myself everyday while I"m on break.  Lesson learned.  Today, I'm chillin' with A1 as he has a fever and sore throat (but not strep - that's good!), and planning on a great veggie stir-fry tonight.

My biggest accomplishment today will be to not beat myself up over  not feeling motivated.  This is a very tricky concept for me - and something I'm going to HAVE to continue to do (the not beat myself up part for whatever reason) on a day to day basis before I accept myself for who I am.  I know I am a good person.  I know I am a hard worker.  I know I am beautiful and have an amazing family.  The emotional side of this particular human should be a cake walk - but it's just not - at least, not today :)  I'm getting there, really I am!

The Way We Look in Pictures

I love pictures.  I love taking them.  I love looking at them.  I love what memories they bring back and honestly, I have lots of pictures that bring back lots of amazing memories.

These are all pictures of me.  Picture of me from the past two years where I quickly lost 30 pounds after giving birth to A2 and have been at a standstill ever since.  I have many more pounds to go and am working really hard trying to figure it all out. I judged myself in every single picture (and really, this is just a few).  I look fat.  I have bad hair.  One of my front teeth is a different color than the other.  I also notice in a lot of my pictures that I try to cover myself up somehow.

Ludicrous.

My mom does the same thing.  When we were in Florida last week, my mom did the same thing.  She wanted to look at all of the pictures taken of her right away, and she commented on all of them. And not a single comment was every positive.

It was during that trip that I decided I was not going to do this anymore.  My kids heard my mom.  My kids hear EVERYTHING.  They are kids. That's what they do.  I DO NOT want them to think that making negative comments about yourself, anytime or anywhere, is a good thing.  SO, I've turned a new leaf.

I got a bunch of pictures printed for my parents and to put up in our house.  When I brought them home, I worked to look at every single one and say something positive about it.  It felt great.  I know I have a long way to go.  I can't wait to have spectacular before and after pictures.  But in the meantime, I need to quit putting myself down, all the freaking time, and be positive.  All the little ones in my life, whether my own or the ones I teach, are listening and watching! Not only do I need to be my own superhero, I need to be theirs too!

So here goes with the previously posted pictures:

This photo was taken when A1 was about 22 months and A2 was about 8 weeks.  We were leaving to go to a back to school party with my new co-workers and I was so excited.  I was excited about school, who I was working with, what I was doing....I thought my kids looked incredible and I was in a good mental place that night!  Plus, we are sitting on the front porch of our new house and I am just so proud of everything.

My brother got married in San Francisco in Fall 2008.  We had a blast.  The kids were amazing, my brother and his wife were amazing, and San Francisco was amazing.  We are in front of the Bay Bridge, which was right by our hotel, which by the way, was also amazing.  I was so grateful for this time together as a family.

This is me serving myself at the first Thanksgiving meal we had at our new house.  I prepared it, plated it, and had a blast doing it.  I LOVE cooking Thanksgiving.  I love having my family in my house and celebrating being together.  That's what this picture is about.

This is me and A2 at Christmas at The Drake in Chicago.  We go every year.  She's adorable and this is an adorable picture.  People say we look a lot alike.  She has my husband's eyes and a lot of me.  I love this photo.  Again, it represents family and love.

This is me and Ryan in Santa Fe.  We go a couple of times a year as a family and we love it there.  My parents have a house all tucked into the mountains and it is so peaceful.  This past summer, we had an incredible week there.  Ryan and I have been together almost half our lives (we realized that this weekend). We celebrate our 13 year anniversary this summer! He is so sweet to me and helps me feel beautiful all the time.

This is a picture of me after my first race in several years.  I ran a 5K this fall.  It was a little over 38 minutes, something easy to beat, but I was so incredibly proud of finishing this race - the first of several I have completed since this fall - and hopefully the first of many in the next several years!  This picture is all about pride.  This picture represents me and who I know I really am!

See?  It's not so hard.  I don't look at the pictures and see a bad hair day, ugly shirt, or overweight person.  I am so much more than that.

What about you?  How do you see yourself in pictures?  How SHOULD you see yourself in pictures?

We all have much to be grateful for.  We are all beautiful.  That's what pictures are about!

So much on my mind

I haven't posted in forever. Not because of anything (like I'm hiding because I'm doing something wrong), but because when I have a spare minute. I just stop and pause.

I'm going to post more next week on what's going on in my life, but I had to post a quickie today because of Mizfit's post today. She writes about fitting in. This is interesting because really, why do I want to keep a blog? I spend a lot of time thinking, who cares? There are half a million blogs out there - I read so many of them - and I'm not sure what I write would make that big of a difference to anyone. Other times I think what difference does it make? It's a place for me to keep track of my thoughts. Then I think, I could just do that on my own in an electronic journal. Then I think, but what if one, just one person is inspired by me? That would be the best feeling in the world! And then I wonder, am I just trying to fit in? Like what Mizfit wrote about today? In 35 years, am I STILL trying to figure out what my niche is?

The answer to that is yes. Yes, yes, yes.

I digress.

Wednesday is my 35th birthday. I've been on vacation in Florida this week (I'm so freaking lucky!) and I've done a few runs/walks where I thought about this a lot. Asking myself the same questions: Why am I running, what's my real purpose, etc....I've been thinking about my food choices a lot, and then thinking about why I'm thinking about my food choices....

For once, I'd like to just not think.

Today, when I read this quote from Mizfit:

Life isnt about fitting in. It’s about carving your unique path & creating an existence which allows you to be your best self.

I realized that this is me. This has been me for years and years and years. I'm slowly starting to get it. I had a moment this week when I thought, damn, I wish I would have gone through this process when I was was 25 - or even 15, but that's wishful thinking and honestly? 25 and 15 were pretty awesome!

Anyway, more next week. In fact, I have lots I want to write about and reflect about and for the 2 or 3 people that are reading, I'm going to write it here: Two topics that are deeply on my mind are - how we respond to ourselves in pictures and how we talk about ourselves in front of our children. Being on vacation - and in a swimsuit - this is something that has been on my mind a lot!

In the meantime, here's another thought for you:



and this - my family on campus:



and this from the Bulldog Jog that I did on March 12 (and set my PR in a 5K - 36:00 and some change!)




We are SO PROUD of our BUTLER BULLDOGS! My husband and I are both graduates, we now live a mile and a half from campus, and this fall, Ryan (the husband) will be a professor of education there. There is nothing more exciting than our little school being in the final four this weekend! I can't believe we are missing the festivities in Indy this weekend, but I'm not going to complain!

3 mile run - check!

I did it.

I left work in my running clothes.

I said I'd be back in 45 minutes.

It was raining.

I did it!

3 miles done.

My legs were really heavy,

So I took a couple of walking breaks.

But it wasn't hard - just kind of slow.

Now, I'm wet.

And little cold.

But I'm proud!

One Month Results

Whoohoo!

So this morning are my one month results day of really watching what I'm eating and counting points on Weight Watchers. I'm am so very proud to announce I lost 9.6 pounds in a month! This is a big deal for a couple of reasons. One, it's 9.6 pounds. Two, I feel good about myself. I feel healthy. When I eat poorly (which I have a couple of times), I feel it. Three, I'm really understanding how my body responds to food. For example, if I don't have protein at lunch, I am exhausted in the afternoon.

Yes, I think I might be figuring it out!

As I'm training for the mini-marathon on May 8, my long runs are on the weekends. I pushed my weigh-in day up to Tuesdays because it felt better to have it closer to the weekends. Monday is a rest day for my body and I feel like my weigh-ins should be on a rest day. I don't know why.

So here's to the next month!

5 miles. Done and done

Here I am at the end of my 5 miler. I met the family at Einstein. It's almost a perfect 5 mile route. I added on a few tenths at the end in order to have some walking time, but good route! That's Adelyn in front of me. She was excited to see me and race or not, it's always a pleasure to see my kiddos and hubby at the end of a run!

Man oh man it was hard this morning. Let me take that back. The first mile was hard. The second two were awesome (I stopped and took some great pictures along my way on Butler's campus, but my battery is charging at the moment...) and the last two I was exhausted. Lugging my body along felt so hard. I started to walk for a tenth of a mile and run for 2. It worked pretty well and I even had a couple of spurts of energy, but it was hard! However, I finished and felt great. I took a long nap this afternoon and was convinced I was going to be really sore when I woke up - but it wasn't so bad! Tomorrow I'll do some yoga and stay really on top of my weekly runs this week. I'm looking to do another 5 next weekend and maybe a 5k on Sunday with one of my students.

What A Pisser...

So yesterday, after my big, huge news celebration, I ate two pieces of pizza - and I'm afraid my stomach reacted in a crazy way! I went way over points yesterday, and the day before, but really? I"m doing the best I can. This morning, I"m gearing up for a 5-6 mile run. It'll be good. I'll walk some of it, run some of it, and plug through. My running buddies are all finking out on me, but I'll be ok. I just want to get it over with though! I'm waiting for the husband to wake up and then I"m off --- guess I just wanted to write to confess my eating yesterday. Confess - that's so negative - I wanted to write to "work through" my eating yesterday... I"ll be back later with a run update!

Big Success Story - Huge!

A huge part of my job is hosting people and making people love our school (which is impossible not to do because it's amazing!). Everyone who walks in the door wants to know more! Our enrollment is high for next year and things are good in that area!

Today, we had interns from Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper come to do a Financial Literacy workshop for our 4-7 grade. The kids loved it - and pizza was probably their favorite part! ME??? I HAD NONE! That's right, people I had none. I knew that if I started, I'd have several and that was bad. I had a big veggie sub and some fries (SOME - and it wasn't MANY pieces of pizza!) And I'm feeling so proud of myself!

Just wanted to share. It's a beautiful day out today and I'm getting ready to spend the evening with my family - watching movies and eating sushi. It couldn't be better.

First day of week - awesome!

Ok, so I got this new notebook to start keeping track of my general thinking, food, points used, goals for each day. It took me just a couple of minutes to sit down yesterday and make my goals. I reflected on them today and felt pretty good about it!

Yesterday, I made a goal of only using 3-5 of my weekly points (the extra Weight Watchers Points they give you for each week). By the end of the day, I hadn't used any! Wednesdays, my staff meets for 2 hours after school. I am always tempted by the snacks, but kept is to celery and a handful of Tostitos yesterday. Awesome. Dinner was a hodge-podge at our house. The kids had leftover mac and cheese and a veggie burger, Ryan had two PB and J sandwiches on his mom's homemade bread, and I had a Morningstar Vegan Griller on an Arnold Sandwich Thin with a Laughing Cow Cheese. I also made some kale chips - my first ever - and dipped them in a little bit of honey mustard. They were really good! Kale stinks while you're cooking it but they tasted good. I was actually super filled up at the end of that meal. I wish I had pictures, but seriously, I have no time for all of that. Maybe someday...

I had made a goal to do an upper body weight workout and ab work yesterday. In my running class with my students - ranging from K-7 - we did the yogadownload.com yoga for runners. It was amazing - in so many ways. The 20 min. session was perfect for my students - and they listened. Really well. It was the coolest 20 minutes! This morning, I woke up sore. I'm not sure if it's because I"m having the busiest week ever, or if it's from the yoga, but it's a good kind of sore. It was so hard to wake up though! Plus, A1 and A2 ended up snuggling with me this morning and that is always the best!

Today, I have a short run scheduled with my students and a 3 miler scheduled with friends. The 3 miler has to happen - my training for the mini is lacking!

Got it! Lesson learned!

Ok, so I had a horrible week. After my previous post, I really didn't do anything to fix my bad eating. And for no reason. Seriously. I had a couple of celebrations and I want to focus on that.

1) I went to a Big 10 basketball game on Sunday and didn't have a single snack. This is huge for me. I really heart nachos at sporting events.

2) I went to Noodles last night with the family and ordered a small Pad Thai. Small is not a word I typically use.

3) I took my students for a class I'm teaching on our first run yesterday. I love running with kids. And they love it too. As more happens with this class I'm teaching, I'll keep you posted.

HOWEVER, that was my only run this week and it was hardly a run. I was going to do 6 miles on Sat. morning and was all ready, but there was a layer of snow and honestly, with my feet issues I cannot risk that. Sunday mornings I am cashed out. This needs to change.

I have so many excuses.

This will be a better week. I"m going to run at least 3 times and do strength training twice. I like it. I should just do it!

Happy news taken advantage of...

Weigh-in was yesterday and I was down 3.6 pounds! How cool? It felt great, but there's such a long way to go which is the ONLY reason why I could have possibly decided to eat the day away. Seriously. I consumed over 60 points worth of food yesterday - and yes, I tracked them ALL!

Today, the eating is right back on track but I woke up in a terrible mood. I texted my hubby that I needed a pep talk - and I know I was just generally dragging. It has been a very hard week at work, and I might have eaten a bunch of snacks yesterday thinking, "It's been a hard week...what the hell..." I even questioned myself as I was eating - Do you really want that? And I replied, "Yes - I do!" Then when I asked why to myself, I replied, "Because I like it! It tastes good..." Ugh ---

I think the good news might be that I'm having these conversations with myself and reflecting. I had a conversation with a student today about how much I wish I would have had conversations like that with myself year and years ago. The big thing is, I mustn't be upset and uptight about A) my bad day and B) my resentment of not getting my sh-t together sooner.

Weight and Fat Talk

Ok, so this week, Caitlin wrote a post about fat talk. I am the queen of fat talk. Most anything that went wrong from college on, I blamed on me being fat. For a long time, when things didn't go right, I was convinced it was because I was fat. My life had changed a lot. I graduated, got married, started my life as a working adult - anytime anything went wrong, I really worked hard to find something to blame, and my weight was it. This has since subsided. When things go wrong now, I get low. Really really low and just generally feel bad. When I see myself in the mirror, I think that it's not the way I feel - I feel so much better than I think I look. However, losing weight is about so much more than the way I look.

But I do want to look good. I want to look really good. Do I think things will get better when I look better? No. There are many emotional pieces I have to take care of too.

While I want this blog to be a healthy living blog, I also want people to see that I am losing weight and doing it in a healthy way. I am an almost 35 year old woman who has been dealing with being overweight my entire life. Literally, at the age of 8, it was suggested I lose weight by my gymnastics coach (and he was right!). It's time for me to conquer this and I'm really ready to do so!

So, I decided to post my weight and weight loss. Just once a week. I'm not going to talk about it obsessively, but I am going to do it!

Here goes:

In June, 2008, I weighed 245. This weight was taken a couple of weeks after A2 was born.
On March 25, 2009, I was at 212.2. That was the lowest I got in that first year of trying to lose weight.

This past week, when I rejoined Weight Watchers, February 10, 2010 I was at 229.

Currently, my weigh-in day is Wednesdays. I might change that. I'm not sure. So, this past Wednesday, when I weighed in after just a couple of days of counting points, February 17, 2010I weighed in at 226.2.

That's a total weight loss of 2.8 so far! Whoohoo!

2010 Polar Bear

Yesterday, after an exhausting week, I met my buddies downtown and we embarked on the 5 mile Polar Bear. It was a fun atmosphere and the weather was a perfect temperature, but I was tired and not really feeling it!




We started off well. In fact, the first mile seemed to go by pretty fast. One of my friends had to keep stopping to tie her shoe. At a mile, she wanted to walk - which I was fine with. As much as I want to keep running, I also want to keep my knees healthy. So I was happy to walk and run with her. Our other friend took off. She's in great shape and was ready to take off. I was so fine with that!

We walked and ran our way through the whole race. I was so tired. My whole body felt heavy and my legs felt like lead. I was having a terrible time motivating myself, but we made it through and crossed the finish line in just over an hour five minutes. Interestingly, this was the same time as our 4.5 Drumstick Dash, so all said and done, progress has been made! Here we are at the end of the race.



In the end, I love races. I love participating in them and being part of a crowd of people who are working to live a healthy lifestyle. I am significantly overweight. (post to come on that), and have a long way to go. The mere fact I am out there running at all and keeping up a 13:15/mile pace is nothing to feel bad about. It will improve. I will improve! Today, I'm feeling great. I was sooooooo tired last night and slept hard. However, I woke up this morning, didn't feel sore and am in a good place - working hard to make good food choices on a day I'm home getting stuff done around the house. Those tend to be snacky days for me - so I'm going to make good choices with the snacking and continue to feel good about myself!!!

Exhausted...

Man am I exhausted. The husband was gone for 6 days, the kids and dog woke up everyday between 5 and 5:30, the week has been insane and I am exhausted. HOWEVER, I've had great eating days, made awesome choices, passed up things like donuts in the office this morning, AND, we hired a new teacher so my life is slowly going to get back to normal. :) Tomorrow, I'm going the Polar Bear Run. I'm doing the 5 mile run and I'm excited. I've decided to stick to a run/walk method to help with my knees and switch up my strength training a little bit. More on that as I talk about it. So, even though my head is heavy, my heart is full - and that is a very good thing!

Snow....again!

Seriously? I had my run/walk all scheduled for this afternoon - I'm off from work today and had plans to have the kids take their naps at my mom's (have I mentioned my hubby is out of town for 6 days? - We're in the middle of it right now....) and I would go running from there--- and now it's snowing - again! With my concerns about my knees and foot (I have a history of tendonitis in my left foot that flares up - often), running in the snow and un-shoveled sidewalks is not my idea of fun...UGH! I attempted it on Sat. and it took forever as I was being so careful.

I love winter, but not when I'm trying to be healthy!!!

So Much..

There is so much going on in my life. The past couple of weeks have been intensely hard for me as I have been going through a lot emotionally and therefore physically. 2 weeks ago, I did a 4 miler with 3 friends. We had a ball. I felt great. Then, it snowed a bunch and my ability to run outside became pretty hard. We don't have a membership to a gym - I could go to the Y (where we put our membership on hold for the winter) and pay, but to be honest, at the end of a really long day, it's just not where my motivation is. Additionally, I'm struggling a little bit with my knees. They just ache, and I know that has something to do with wear and tear on them, but also this weight I've been carrying around for 2 years now.

Motivation. It's become such an interesting word for me. I find, lately, that I am motivated to do very little. I do what I have to do to be a good educator and mother, but it stops there. I haven't been taking care of myself, I'm gaining weight - more on that in a minute - and therefore feeling horrible about myself. And I mean horrible.

This has to change. This has to get fixed. I have to figure out what to do about it.

So I am. Tonight, I rejoined Weight Watchers Online, and will be consistent with tracking and thinking about what I'm eating. In the past, when I have done WW, I have been successful. Really successful. The emotional stuff has been what has kept me from A) keeping it off and B) being successful since I had the babies. The emotional stuff has to be conquered by me. This is going to be so hard - but has to be done before A1 and A2 get old enough to realize their mom is a quack :) I don't want to be a quack - and I don't want them to have secret talks about how crazy their mama is!

I have to prioritize myself. I just have to. I have to stop sabotaging myself and looking to create a problem. I know how to eat well and lose weight, but I'm not doing it. This time, by joining, I'm kind of at an all time low (emotionally, definitely not weight-wise!). I'm hoping I can bring myself back up - to feel happy. To be proud of myself. Not me as a teacher or a mother, but as just me. I want to look at myself and see someone who is happy. I"m not saying I have to be skinny to be happy. That's pathetic. However, I don't feel good about me. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like a 35 (almost) year old - I feel like I"m about 60.

2010 is my year to make some stuff happen. I hope I can record it all here!

Short But Sweet (in so many ways!)

I did a sweet run last night. No picture - and here's why.

I found a SWEET deal on a Garmin 305 on Amazon. SWEET deal. So, I bought it. I couldn't get the damn thing to go last night. I was having a crazy hard time setting it and the direction manual was NOT helping me. I went running with someone new last night and was rushing around - so didn't even get my Nike+ going.

BUT - my newest running partner is a speed demon! She would have slowed up for me no problem, but I went ahead and we just went. Since I don't have a time (BUMMER!) I can't confirm this. I didn't really even look at the clock before we left. HOWEVER, I know we went faster than usual. I felt AMAZING afterwards. But I'm SORE today!

Hmm could I CAPITALIZE anymore words?

My knees are also bothering me, but I iced them last night using the Walgreens ice packs - because The Biggest Loser told me too - and it worked really well. My left foot is also sore - I have a history of tendonitis in that foot, so I'll have to keep a watch on that!

But I still felt GREAT! Taking a day off tonight and running again tomorrow :)

Even though...

This morning was horrible. My kids are both sick again, it's near impossible for me to stay home with them, my husband had to teach today (he's a college professor), and I just feel horrible about that all the time.

I was in a complete tizzy this morning, ended up having a total meltdown, and was completely unprofessional at work (although nobody else seems to think that...)

I came home right after school and skipped a meeting I was supposed to present at because my sweet mom, who came over to watch the kids, needed to be somewhere at 4.

I was exhausted.

And moody.

And my head was throbbing.

I sat in the dining room for a little while by myself and thought about how sorry I feel for myself.

Then, my sweet hubby came home and started making suggestions of things I could do - one of them was run, which I didn't do yesterday for many of same aforementioned reasons.

So I just did it. I quickly got dressed and went for a run - and here it is:



I'm still not in a great mood - in fact, while I was running I was imagining taking a picture of myself flipping off the camera.

But I didn't.

And when I go to bed tonight, I will be grateful for a few things:

1) The support of people at work
2) The fact that even though my day sucked, the learning that occurred in my classroom was actually quite good
3) My husband who honestly puts up with a lot
4) The fact that I did it! I went for the run!

Dear....

Dear Steak-n-Shake,

Seriously, I think I am over you. Really really over you. Getting over you is all a part of my process.

Love,
Teachermama

Dear Students Who Challenge Me Everyday,

I love the challenge. Thank you.

Love,
Teachermama

Dear Half Mary Training Schedule,

I need to redo you so I have a day between running and weights. No More Trouble Zones you rule me. When I conquer you I will be tough and buff no doubt!

Love,
Teachermama

Dear Overnight Oats,

I am really really really looking forward to eating you tomorrow!

Love,
Teachermama

Dear Bad Day,

You are officially over.

GOOD NIGHT!

Love,
Teachermama

I'm still here!

My life, since I've gone back to school, is really unbelievable. Today on my run (see post below), I realized that since I've been off for my two week break, quite a few things happened:

1) I hosted our staff party. Not a huge deal, but makes your mind work hard for sure!
2) Our house got broken into - while we were home. (Horrible night. Everything is fine, nothing was taken but man was it scary! We now have a dog and alarm system)
3) We had to ask someone to resign at work. Asking teachers to resign in the middle of the year is a really hard decision to make. It simply wasn't working and if our school is going to work, we need teachers who are truly dedicated to it. This decision and the aftermath wore on my mind quite a bit over break.
4) Celebrated the holidays (thank God we didn't travel!)
5) It ended up being decided that I would take over the teacher's position until we found the best possible person. COMPLETE job switch in the middle of the school year! I've been teaching for 13 year and know what I'm doing, but still it took me quite a bit of time to adjust (like the past two weeks)
6) I am now writing progress reports for kids I taught for 2 weeks. That's next to impossible. I am seriously in progress report hell.

Last night I was exhausted. I barely remember going to bed. BUT, today was a great day. I went for a great run, ate great meals with my family, took a nap, and Ryan organized every single toy and book in the house. AWESOME! There are a few posts below. Enjoy!

First Official Training Run

So, I'm signed up to do the 500 Festival Mini-Marathon in May. I can hardly wait! I created my final training schedule on Friday. I've decided to use Jeff Galloway's half training program. I like that he thinks about preventing injury, and my legs can become a wreck if I don't take it easy. So, that's the plan. I'm so excited!

On the docket for today was a 3 miler. And I did it! I went with a friend who hadn't run in awhile. We walked a bit more than I would have liked, but I still felt like I had a great workout. 3 miles at a 12:18 pace (too much walking).



We ran a three mile loop along the canal in downtown Indianapolis. This was our view during most of the run.



Even in the gloomy morning, the canal was awesome. You run past great houses, the Indiana State Museum, the NCAA headquarters and Hall of Champions::


Oh how I wish I would have taken NCAA softball more seriously. I was more into drinking my freshman year - annoying!

and at various points can come up from the canal and see the State House. This is a backside view of it at the end of our run!


I think the Indiana State House is a beautiful building. I don't always love what happens inside, but the building itself is just beautiful!

I felt great - and was cooooold on my ride home (I drove about 10 minutes to meet her there). Tomorrow we are going to meet again. I don't have an official run on my schedule, but would love to go again. I'll probably take Monday off and make sure I do an awesome STRETCH :)

Haven't Run in Forever...

We got a bunch of snow. Not anything like when we lived in Wisconsin, but enough that if sidewalks weren't shoveled, it was going to be impossible to run. Plus I swear Central Indiana shuts down when it snows half an inch! I could have gone to the Y - we put our membership on hold and I would have to pay...plus I really HATE running on the treadmill - it just wasn't happening. I LOVE snow - but when you need to be running, snow isn't such a great thing!

The best part about snow! THIS!




We took the kids sledding last weekend with my brother. They loved it but they got cooooooold! Look at Adelyn's sweet face!



However, in the end, sledding is quite the workout - especially on a pretty long, steep hill! I definitely felt like I had worked out at the end of that afternoon!

Six O'Clock Scramble

Ok, so we heard about this thing called The Six O'Clock Scramble. It's where you get a newsletter once a week that has 5 recipes listed and a shopping list to go with it. The shopping list is broken down into the categories of essentials (like flour, butter, salt, etc.), shelved items (like spices, pastas, etc.), produce, meat....and I think that's it. You can pick and choose what you want to print. For example, if a meal simply cannot be made vegetarian, I choose not to print it. Not only does the recipe not print, the shopping list doesn't include the ingredients from that meal! Plus, most of the meals are for 6-8 servings (some are for only 4) and we had LOTS leftover for lunches! IT IS AMAZING!

The biggest thing? The recipes are SUPER healthy! I mean, SUPER healthy. All of the nutritional information is included - for just the main dish and also for if you choose to use the sides she recommends. On this week's menu is Quinoa and Black Bean Burritos. Anyone who knows about quinoa gets an A+ in my book. I love the stuff!

We got a two year subscription for something like $65.00. We've only been using it for a week, but last week we spent $56.00 on groceries, only went to the store once, and I didn't have to do any thinking.

One of the downsides if lack of room of creativity. I LOVE looking through cookbooks and trying new recipes. However, this week, every recipe was new, and something I would have tried anyway if it was presented to me. So in the end, the convenience factor has definitely won out! Bottom line is, if I'm planning a special meal or something, I'll use my many cookbooks!

I printed off next week's shopping list today. I chose 3 recipes and my shopping tomorrow is going to be soooo easy!

I HIGHLY recommend checking it out. You can do just a 3 month subscription to give it a try. We went ahead and paid for the 2 years. Nothing wrong with just having it!

Green Monster Lovin'

In an effort to obtain my goals for Jan., I bought a huge thing of spinach at Costco. I have loved some seriously good green monsters and have been adding Amazing Meal to all of them. They are soooooooo good. If I use chocolate Amazing Meal, I add nut butter and substitute the whole thing for my breakfast. If I use regular or fruity amazing meal, I just use frozen fruit and have something else for breakfast later. :) Yuuuuummmmmy! I also got the family involved....here are some pics to document :)

First I had Ryan try them. He was pleasantly surprised! He's trying to embrace my healthy eating and vegetarianism. It's hard for him but he said this week he's eaten better this week than in a long time!




We toasted our Green Monsters.



Abel was going crazy because he wanted to try one too! I gave him some sips. There is kids Amazing Meal as well...I don't know how it's different - maybe I'll look into that! My kids are pretty decent eaters and will try almost anything!



This past week my green monster drinking wasn't as good. I had a seriously upset belly. I'm almost 100% back though!